oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
