i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
