I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
