Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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