you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
