My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
