It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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