if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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