I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
