Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
