apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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