Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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