think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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