I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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