I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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