Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
