mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Your cock deserves a montage
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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