So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
