Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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