Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We are two peas in an std pod
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize