Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
