I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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