i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
