I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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