Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize