It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize