I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
