I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize