My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize
