He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
His nipple licking is glorious
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