i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
