he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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