I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
