u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
