I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
