The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
