I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
