I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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