can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
