I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
