I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
