I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
