fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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