maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
