so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
