I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
