At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
