I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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