Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
