apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
