does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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