he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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