roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
