Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
