i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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