I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
