I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
