I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
